Who was ever taught how to kiss a woman? I wasn’t.
Like all boys, I got coaching from other boys who, like me, talked as if were James Bond.. We acted as if we knew what girls wanted and how to give it to them.
Over time, most of us realized that our education was lacking. Trying desperately to get to second or third base – let alone hit a home run – was not always satisfying for the women or us. We probably did not understand that focusing on performance created stress and limited our own pleasure.
Al Pacino’s speech in The Scent of a Woman is most men’s best education into how to be with a woman. Few men ever put that act of vulnerability and authenticity into practice.
The secret to great kissing and more
I didn’t have Al Pacino inspiring me to show up; I had women telling me I was going nowhere fast. In spite of studying the best techniques of how to please a woman, I wasn’t pleasing them. These brave women taught me to slow down. Through their feedback and some advance sex training, I eventually learned how to be present – truly present – in intimate moments.
Three powerful actions
First, stop thinking. Stop analyzing what’s happening and what you should do. Stop trying to remember what to do and what not to do. Shut your internal dialogue up. And stop judging yourself and the woman you are with.
Second, start feeling. Start sensing what your body is feeling. Start feeling the sensations of your body against hers. Start feeling your desires in your body. Start feeling the raw urges your body and emotions are having. Most of all, start enjoying yourself.
Third, start playing. Start being a kid with your partner. Intimacy, kissing, and sex need not be serious. Relax. Tease each other. Tickle each other. Explore as a kid would explore. Like a kid, try new things. If she doesn’t respond or you don’t like it, so what? Move on to something else.
Those three actions create what I call Applied Mindfulness. They help you be present like mindfulness. Then they take your presence and have you do something with it. You aren’t sitting mediating. You are fully engaged with a woman in a deeply intimate way, as you are fully aware of what is occurring for yourself.
Developing this skill takes practice. The good news is this is something you will enjoy practicing. We all have the capacity to be present; the problem was we were told to focus on other things rather than our own experience. The more you do this, the better you get at it… and the more fun you have.
When I think about all the times I was with women, but I wasn’t really with them, I am sad. There were many “missed opportunities” of not enjoying all that was available. Looking back, it was as though I were on a light anesthesia, not fully aware or fully feeling what was happening.
Now when I connect with a woman, I connect. Every cell in my body wakes up. I become hypersensitive where time slows down. The feel of her skin against mine feels as if I’m lightly rubbing the soft fuss of a rose pebble. Her body moving with mine is a primordial dance. My senses come alive. I smell her beauty. I want to devour that beauty.
When you shift your focus from her experience to your experience, you up your game of pleasure. What might seem like a selfish act is a huge turn-on for both of you. You are giving her permission fully to feel. You are telling her that it safe and preferable to enjoy yourself as you relax into your sensations.
The next time you are about to kiss a woman, take a breath. Feel what your body is experiencing. Then feel it more. Slow down. When a thought, judgment, or memory comes in your head, go back to what your body is feeling.
Continue to take yourself and her deeper into all the sensations of the moment. Be a kid who is getting to experience all these sensations for the first time.
Here is a video the One Taste people put out on how to kiss. It’s frank and fun. You can do this. She wants you to do this… I guarantee.