How well is your relationship working? Is it where you want it?
How are you attempting to fix it? Are you using the tools that you always used?
If you are like most of us, you reach for that favorite hammer to tap in the small nail to hang a picture.
Fix Your Relationship
People love to sell us new tools; some of us love working with them. We get good at using the tools we inherited or may be acquired on our own. They certainly work, but are these tools what we need to repair a relationship? I doubt it.
Some of us are great at fixing things. We see the world as problems that need fixing, and much of our world does need fixing. What we frequently miss is that we, and our partners, need connection. No one told us that, no one showed us how we would know—let alone how to find tools to fix it.
If our partner is distraught, what would we do? We might analyze the problem, offer suggestions, give advice, explain the issue from our perspective, or attempt to fix it. If your partner does not go along with this, or resists even a little, we might feel hurt and rejected.
What is Not Working in Your Relationship
Let me offer another path to connection with your partner.
To shift out of what is not working in your relationship, you need to shift into yourself. I know it sounds selfish and counter-intuitive, but think of it as backing up when you are stuck in snow to get more traction.
Simply fixing one issue will not create the connection that you and your partner long for. To achieve this, I created the Emotional Algorithm™. This formula works!
Here it is:
Relax. Slow down. Breathe. Bring your awareness back to your body or your emotions. Feel what is happening for you. Where are you tense? What emotion(s) do you feel? What do you want?
Don’t ask these questions to your head; ask them to your body and your emotions. Then observe the response. Don’t judge it; just observe it. Relax into the feelings.
Whatever you experience is OK.
Open. Once you are a little more relaxed, or at least aware, emotionally open up to your partner. Observe what occurs when you open up. Feel the risk and tension.
Connect. Now that you are aware of and open with your emtions, reach out to connect to your partner. It can be as simple as a touch. As you reach out, feel and acknowledge that subtle fear of being rejected.
I also call this the “ROC Formula” as a way to remember what to do when confronted with stress and disconnection: Relax, Open Connect.
Stop picking up your old tools when you are communicating with your partner. This isn’t how you can foster new connections!
Set your intent to start to master the Emotional Algorithm. Then when you fall back into your old patterns—you might, and that’s okay—slow down, and in that moment, apply the ROC Formula.
When my clients and the individuals in our groups do this, they and their relationships transform. The entire process of working through the ROC Formula gets easier and more automatic the more you practice it. This what we are meant to do—we were meant to connect with each other.
Let us know how it goes. We are here to help you. You can do it.
Leave a comment, I will respond.