From teenager to manI didn’t wake up until my body began to relax. Once I wasn’t so wired, I started to feel how I was so not there. I also felt the tease of a new kind of pleasure. Being a tough guy, this transformation wasn’t quick. When I had a lover who was more mature and present than I was, who could show me what it was like to relax and enjoy the process, I resisted. I continued to drive the experience, but these women were insistent – slow down. I’ll never forget my first sexual encounter after I went through a series of Rolfing sessions (bodywork to release chronic stress and realign the body). Ann was an older woman, mother and business owner. She wasn’t my usual “young woman.” She slowly seduced me. I couldn’t decide if she was trying to torture me or please me. It was as if I had taken some drug where all my body senses were cranked up. Her gentle touch sent shock waves through my body. One moment her fingers felt like ice cubes, the next minute they were hot coals. My body didn’t know what to do. I wanted to run from what I couldn’t control and had difficulty receiving. I also wanted to completely surrender and be overwhelmed with pleasure. I allowed myself to suffer through the ordeal until we were making love. For that point on, some instinctual force took over. Not one technique, thought or comparison came to mind. I was lost in the experience. My body was shaking, sweating and squirming in something beyond pleasure. I gave up. My in-the-moment peak experience continued to a new depth of pleasure. As soon as I thought, “I never did that before” or “I never felt that before,” Ann would do something new that would start a new cycle of crushing pleasure. All this came to an end with an orgasm that erupted from places in me I didn’t know existed. My entire body exploded for what felt like minutes. My body was not only doing things that I didn’t know a man’s body could do, it was delivering pleasure to me in ways that were unworldly.
What is the secret?To this day I never had an orgasm like that one at twenty-three. I’ve certainly had great love making, but the magnitude of the shift from performance sex to Galactic sex could never be duplicated. This initiation into sexual manhood occurred for two reasons: first, my body relaxed, which allowed me to slow down and feel; second, Ann was a patient and strong woman who would not settle for less. Like anyone who’s held the Holy Grail, I kept trying to find it again. When I started to apply what I had learned that night with Ann, I began finding sex was not what I imagined as a teenager. As I yielded to allowing whatever was happening to happen more and more, my sex was out-of-this-world love making. My head was trying to discover the secret alchemy of it. Gradually I realized it was simpler than any secret sauce of techniques, tantric moves or new age enlightenment. If there were one word, it would be PLAY. When I approached first myself then my partner from the innocence of a young man playing, it became more fun. Then the fun lead to more pleasure. Recently, I was remembering Ann and all the loving women since who have opened their bodies and hearts to me. I felt great appreciation for their presence. Then I saw the dots of all those experiences come together in what was my alchemy of sex. The secret to the alchemy, along with play, was also outside the realm of sex. As humans it takes a while to learn that the answer to the riddle is always outside the box it was put in. My alchemy of sex is not sexual. Here’s how to have great sex and a kickass relationship. It’s a spiral down to the core of intimate relating. If you want to experience Galactic sex, experiment with traveling down this spiral of deepening your relating. Penetrating the veils to deep love à penetrating the veils of self
- Intimacy – connecting beyond the physical
- Communication – speaking beyond the head, from the heart and body
- Vulnerability – revealing, being with what is happening in the moment
- Receptivity – openness, listening from a place of innocence
- Courage – emotional honesty
- Mindful – awareness
- Wants – what do you want?
- Feelings – what do you feel?
- Embracing – allowing all that is occurring to flow between self and partner