How well does denial work for you?
It didn’t for me.
Growing up with a speech impediment along with dyslexia and Asperger’s Syndrome, school was a struggle. I tried to convince myself that getting picked on in elementary school didn’t matter.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words shall never hurt me.
Great affirmation; bad strategy. On the inside, I was dying, not just from the hurt I felt, but also from feeling alone where the only solace was those and similar words in my head. The implosion of my feelings and stress made my performance even worse. I became tighter and tenser.
Moving to a new town, starting a new school, failing miserably with my strategy, I gave up. I decided to go for it. I thought I couldn’t be any worse off if I put myself out there and I screwed up. Through the two years of junior high, I began making friends and had moments of spontaneity.
By high school, I was willing to be less inhibited when pushed: if given something to fight against, – I would show up. If I were honest, I would admit I was still trapped in feeling and behaving according to what others thought. My anger or self-righteousness was my only escape.
I became good at reading others for what they thought, felt, and wanted. Yet when someone would ask me what I felt or wanted, I would go blank. I showed up in relationships not with myself but with what I thought someone else needed. Sure, in the beginning it was great. Inevitably, though, the relationship would die.
How can you own what you are hiding – your imperfections?
As I realized as an adult that I have dyslexia and Asperger’s, I started sharing it with the world. Sure, I still have pockets of shame in me. Yet coming out of my emotional closet, I am no longer trapped by my shame.
I am inspired by how the LGBTQ community took back “queer” as an insulting and hateful word to make it part of their identity.
What do you hide? Where are you imperfect? What are you ashamed of? What is your self-talk that you believe others are saying about you?
What are your inner voices and thoughts? Then what are those voices hiding or protecting?
How can you speak about how you will turn your weakness into a superpower by stating the weakness? Here’s a stretch — find a place in the next week where you can feel the buried emotions as you come out about it.
So, three parts:
What are you hiding?
What is your pattern/words of solace?
What is your new behavior?
You can start small. At least start on the edges of your ‘secret.’ I slowly revealed myself. The more I saw that people didn’t reject me — in some cases accepted me more — the more courage I had to lean in. See this as a mindful journey.
