What happened? You had it and then lost it.
Or maybe you are starting out in a relationship. You’ve learned from previous relationships; you want to do it right.
Either way, a secure emotional connection is the key to a relationship that is satisfying and lasts.
How to Create an Emotional Connection
You apply our Emotional Algorithm™. You relax, open and connect. Simple, right?
As a formula, it’s simple. As a practice, it will take work at first.
Relax
This starts with slowing down. A lot of us are moving faster than we realize. Even if your body or fingers aren’t moving, your mind is in constant use. If you never slow down to experience what is occurring in or to you, you will have nothing to connect with or to.
Moving fast is often a stress (survival) response, like fight or flight. Other times it’s just habit. Either way, you are disconnected from your own experience. I know when I was that way, I would respond to questions about my emotional state as if I were answering a question on a quiz. There was no real depth or thought in my responses.
Take a moment and let your body sensations and emotions catch up to you. Our brain and its nervous system are like digital systems with binary (on/off) signals. Our emotions, is an analog system, much like a clock with hands. There is more nuance with our emotions than our nervous system.
Your emotions work in gradients. The sooner or more subtly you can feel an emotion, the sooner and deeper you are able to connect to someone else. We all experience the opposite where we are in an argument wondering how did we got there.
The time to master relaxation and emotional awareness is not at the height of stress. You practice it when the stress and time constraints are low. Remember, you need to go slowly.
If you can’t feel an emotion, pay attention to what your body is doing. It is always responding. The question is whether we aware of our body’s physical responses, which can be tied to our emotions. If you feel your body respond, ask yourself to identify which part that is responding. What do feel emotionally? What do you want? Now you are connected to your experience.
Open up to your partner
As you become aware and accepting of your experiences, open up your awareness to your partner, whom you are interacting with. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and impacted by your partner.
Feel what your partner’s words and nonverbal communication do to you. You don’t have to agree or accept what your partner is saying. Just be aware of what occurs. Attempt to be the calm pond letting the ripples move through.
With vulnerability, you are better able to be empathetic. Your acceptance of your subjective experience, and your openness to new experiences, will affect your partner. This will help you both open up more emotionally, and you can take the next step together.
Connect with Your Partner
As you become more comfortable with your vulnerability, risk making a new connection with your partner. Your attempt might be unsuccessful. If it is, be aware that you might feel the sting of rejection.
This is your opportunity to take your relationship much deeper, and to establish new patterns of communication and emotional connection. As with any skill, as you practice it, you get better. Trust and intimacy are built along the way as you develop your skills.
The passion that drove your relationship at its beginning can begin to go away over time. However, using the method that I discussed, now you can replace it with something that has a potential to be more powerful and enjoyable. You can discover how to connect on a deeper level—a skill few people have.
I call this Emotional Algorithm the “ROC formula,” which stands for Relax, Open, Connect.
Now Connect on a Deeper Level
Start right now. Become aware of what you are feeling in your body and feeling emotionally. Become aware of what you want. From there, expand to be vulnerable. Feel your partner, even if that person is not around. Then when you do see your partner, risk a deeper connection. It could be as simple as reaching out to touch him or her.
What is your commitment to creating a secure emotional connection? How will you ROC your relationship? Share it. Share your struggles or successes. I will respond. Go for it.
