Do you want to succeed in your relationship?
Then… Stop behaving like a woman.
If you are like me, and virtually all the men I know, how we frame and express our emotions comes from women.
Women raised us. They raised our dads and their dads. Since the Industrial Revolution, men worked outside the home while the women were home, they raised the kids. We lost our male role models two centuries ago.
Both men and women have come to assume both sexes experience and express emotions similarly. True, we are more alike than not. But if we want to have a successful relationship, men and women need to accept they are different.
How to “Man Up” as an Emotional Man
You are not doomed. You can turn this around.
I am no genius; quite the opposite. For years I struggled with relationships. To improve myself, I read books that women wrote and I studied with top women therapists. Sure, I learned a lot—but from the feminine perspective.
None of what I learned significantly improved my relationships. When I realized I didn’t have close male friends, I started my first men’s group over 20 years ago. The first thing I learned was that I wasn’t the only man struggling with relationships. Every man in these groups were.
Gradually, after more study and working with hundreds of men, I began to see a connection. Men opened up and expressed their emotions to each other, and we taught each other through interacting every week.
We began learning how to be emotional as men.
Through struggling together as men to find our emotional voice, we started to feel like emotions and intimate conversations were not something to run from. We actually enjoyed connecting in these vulnerable ways.
As each man developed his own emotional superpower, his personal relationships transformed. Women whom I didn’t know came up to me on the street, thanking me for what the group had done for her marriage and her husband. Wow!
It was then that I realized that men aren’t the problem–nor is our partner or our relationship. The problems are the models of Masculine Emotional Intelligence and relationships we were given. When we step out of those models with the natural skills of authentic communication, relationships work better.
Your Short Course
Getting the right model is the first step. Developing the communication skills that you were never taught is the second step. You can read about in places like David Deida’s book, The Way of the Superior Man or my book, Grow Up: A Man’s Guide to Masculine Emotional Intelligence. The quickest way to improve your communication skills and relationships is to sit with other committed men.
When men regularly sit with other men, they open up in ways they don’t initially with women. We open up to a woman when we fall in love, but we can’t seem to maintain that level of intimacy. In being honest and open with other men, you can learn what you were never taught.
When you see a man cry and other men become vulnerable because of it, you are inspired to take emotional risks. You see how it was safe. You also see how that man was honored for his emotional courage. You see that there is no shame, instructions on how to better communicate or feel your emotions, or criticism about how you performed.
You learn that, as you gain more experience with Masculine Emotional Intelligence, courage is feeling what you feel and then expressing what you need to express. After many weeks of doing that, speaking to your romantic partner in an emotionally connected and powerful way happens naturally.
Hundreds of men return to meetings to report how their emotional courage exploded, open their relationships, and gave them the best sex they ever had. This is proof that this method works.
A New Frame
Create a new context around how to interact with your partner. Don’t summarily accept that you need to feel and express emotions as she suggests. I’m not saying just resist her. I’m saying go beyond how she’s suggesting you behave. Slow down and feel what is occurring for you. What do you feel? what do you want?
Take a risk. Speak it.
I expect the first few times will be rough. You are learning a new skill–a skill few men have.
Tell your partner that you want to connect emotionally. You just need to do it your way and to do that. You need to experiment to find the right way to do this.
You may get push back at first. In part, she’s unconsciously testing you. Will you stick with your commitment? She’s also testing to see how safe you are. Will you risk emotionally so she can risk emotionally?
I found that most women, once they begin to feel you are committed, will melt. In spite of your fumbling, they will feel your desire to connect. We all want, nay we all need, emotional connection.
Start Improving Your Relationship Now
I know you have things that you haven’t said to your partner that you want to say. Start with a positive reveal. Surprisingly, these can be the most challenging. Tell your partner how much you do want to feel emotionally connected. Tell your partner how hard it is for you.
In the next week, plan for a time when the two of you will be alone. Take the risk. Your partner is worth it. You are worth it. And your relationship is worth it.
A bonus suggestion: When she speaks, listen to her. Don’t fix, analyze, evaluate, or suggest. Respond with what you feel. This communication strategy is simple but powerful.
Let us know how it goes. I will respond.
In summary: Take a deep breath. Pull up your pants. Just do it.
