Do you feel connected? Do you feel your partner is fully there for you?
Connection is a strange thing. We fall in love where we can’t get enough of each other then slowly we unintentionally disconnect. What happened?
First, you must reconnect with your partner
Sure, part of this disconnection is a byproduct of normal life occurrences. Things need to get done, and they start interceding between being connected.
Then there is the sense of having a safe space to be yourself, like what you had when you were falling in love. You might find yourself holding your breath. You can assume your partner is doing the same.
The first requirement to connecting is feeling safe. To the extent you aren’t safe; you are in survival mode, in which you find yourself protecting or removing yourself from what you feel is unsafe. Over time, your body and emotions become conditioned to that state—it becomes the new normal. As that occurs, you become less of aware of it and its effect.
Know that you or your partner are not bad. You are simply doing what your survival physiology is meant to do. You can try to shame it, repress it, deny it, or drug it, but none of that will work.
What will work? You can change the environment. You can make the space safe.
Create a Safe Space to reconnect with your partner
Emotional safety evolves from being vulnerable. Our survival response tells us not to be vulnerable. Doing that reinforces our pattern while triggering our partner to feel unsafe.
You create safety by becoming present with what is happening to you. What are you feeling in your body and with your emotions in that present moment? You will feel an increase of your flight, fight or freeze survival response. Your body will want to do its thing.
You allow yourself to feel as much as you can feel as you take action. Feeling the fear, for example, you share how you felt sad when your partner said you didn’t care. For men in particular, being vulnerable has long been interpreted as a sign of weakness. It goes against our internalized code.
Connection is possible
In our trainings, I start by announcing that we are changing the rules. In this space, you will be honored for your courage to be vulnerable. People open up quickly because that is what we truly want.
You want a safe space, and you can create it by being present with your feeling of lack of safety.
When you begin to open up emotionally, you might find that your partner reciprocates. Your openness and vulnerability might make your partner feel safe and relaxed. In turn, you will feel safe and relaxed. This is a positive reciprocal pattern.
Connecting to Your Partner
There are different ways to implement a positive reciprocal pattern. You can plan a conversation in which you do this. You can do this the next time one of you feels unsafe to speak up. I suggest stepping up to initiate it. The more you step into making a space safe, the better you will feel about yourself.
Keep in mind that it’s not about doing it well; it’s about doing it.
When will you give your partner the gift of safety? When will you bring your vulnerability to connecting to your partner?
Let us know how it goes. I will respond.
