What are your values? What are you willing to stand for, fight for and perhaps, die for?
Do you travel through life letting it happen? Or, is there a code you live by? You may not even be aware of this code. Yet, when you need to make a tough decision, who or what do you consult? Is it your values?
Going deeper into your values often not only gives you clarity to make a particular decision, it teaches you about what is important. We often struggle with decisions not because we don’t have enough data, but because we don’t know what we value.
Values inventory
Your values grow as you grow. Your values today are not the ones you had as a child. Your interaction with life molds your values. When is the last time you did a value inventory? Can you list your top five or even three values? Can you list your partner’s? Try it.
At tax time, you perform an annual financial audit. When do you conduct your value audit? Let’s get honest, there is fear behind doing this. We may realize our values don’t match our lives, our relationships or our goals. I will tell you what you already know; if they don’t match you are sabotaging yourself even if it is unconsciously.
Discover your values
Excluding the political rhetoric impugning another’s values, there is not much discussion about values. Before you do your inventory and evaluate your life in comparison to your values, you need to know what you value. To learn what you value, or what your values are-try this little exercise:
- Remember, or better yet tell someone a story about a time in your life when you made a big change. There is a good chance a situation occurred that required you to take action.
- After the story, note what inspired, impressed or stressed you.
- What was the feeling that catalyzed the action?
- Extract out of this parable the lesson, or the value, you would pass on if you were an elder sharing to an interested student.
- How would you feel if you went against this value?
- How would you feel if you honored this value?
- What will give you more energy? In the end, what value will cause you to be healthier and happier?
- What you willing to sacrifice for this value?
- What or who is more important than this value?
- Repeat the above process with another story and/or value.
- Sit with your list. Come back to it. Discuss it with your partner and friends. Allow your list to evolve.
What is at risk?
You may want to start by asking yourself what is at risk if you discover your values. Are there relationships that would need to change? Or would work possibly need to change? By admitting to the possible conflicts, as hard as it might seem – you will be better able to discover your values.
If you’re like me, there might be a part of you that would rather stay ignorant. Feel the fear of learning what is important to you. It can be scary learning that you might have done or are doing things that don’t support your values. By coming out of the value closet, you will be present in life. You will have more choice from knowing and feeling what is important to you.
Communicating your values and the feelings behind them builds trust and intimacy. We often believe that others won’t accept our values but when you share them more from your feelings rather than from your reasons, others will feel your vulnerability and open up to accepting your values. Take the risk of expressing your values. You’re likely to learn more about them.
Change with value
How can you change your life if you don’t know what you value? You can, but you might end up in a place you really don’t like. Knowing what is important for you in this moment greatly increases the likelihood that what you achieve will satisfy you. I grant you that your values will change, and so will your goals. Knowing both gives you a why and a what to your life and takes you out of being at the effect of circumstances.
Many years ago, I had a client who was a young physician with a double specialty who was at the top of his game. As he continued to work with me, he became more aware that his profession didn’t fit his values. He noticed how he became tense every day when he was preparing for work. After working with me, he told me he was leaving medicine – it was what his parents had wanted, not what he wanted. His values were oriented around endeavors that were more creative. He told me that what was keeping him in his profession was his obligation to others and the investment he made. After he realized what he valued, it was much easier to allow himself to let go, feel the grief of the loss of his investment and then move on to what gave him energy.
It is as if your values are your guiderails. When in pursuit of your goals you start to move off your center, you get a feeling that something is wrong. When you check in with your values, you discover that you are heading towards violating one. Then you know what you need to do to bring yourself back on course.
When you are not listening to your feelings about these possible value violations, you run the risk of sabotaging your goal. There were many times in my life when chaos showed up and I asked why. It took me a while to realize that I had violated one of my values. These experiences taught me my values. Don’t be a slow learner like myself, learn your values now and check in with them regularly.
Value template
Once you have your set of values, you have a template that you can use to evaluate situations and decisions. For example, if someone offers you a business opportunity, you can run it through your values to see if it fits.
What once were unconscious saboteurs can become your conscious guides to achieving with ease and a greater likelihood of success. As you develop this tool of checking in with your personal guides, you will discover that you will be attracting less inappropriate situations. Because you know what makes your gut feel good, you will be more likely to spot opportunities sooner.
What are your values? How did you arrive at them? How do you let them guide you?