What didn’t you get growing up?
You weren’t given a playbook on how to grow as YOUR OWN MAN. Sure, there were some guides. Everything from Star Trek to Marvel Comics presented you with masculine models. You had your coaches and teachers telling you how to behave in particular situations. Then there were your parents setting rules and modeling some behaviors.
Then there were the stress and traumas many of us endured. An alcoholic father, an unhappy but trapped mother, bullies at school, a tough neighborhood…. Not only did we survive these, we often used them to teach ourselves tenacity, courage and commitment.
When you think about it, it is amazing we all turned out as well as we did.
I don’t know one man who, as a boy, had a mature man sit him down and give him The Playbook on how to be his own man. Who did you have that was his own man and guided you so you could be too?
I certainly didn’t have that man.
Out of my frustration and work with more than a thousand clients I decided, this has to change. Boys and men deserve a guide that supports them to develop in a way that works for themselves and others.
Grow Up: A Man’s Guide to Emotional Intelligence is that playbook.
I lay out nine vital stages in a boy’s and man’s development. When one of these stages is skipped over—due to the modeling or teaching not being there, or because the stress or trauma of the moment prevented learning—a man has a hole in his maturation. That gap gets filled with beliefs, emotions and behaviors that are self-limiting. These adaptations work;, you survived. But they don’t help you win as a man.
The book contains a wealth of information that is not in this blog. It also gives you a simple model of why things went sideways and how to correct them.
The core tenet of the book is that you aren’t bad, broken or doomed. The culture you grew up in, and now live in, along with stress and trauma, prevented you from claiming your birthright – the chance to develop into your own Remarkable Man.
It’s my hope you will use this book as your playbook to creating a life that wins. Others may have taken you out. It’s your responsibility to put yourself back in your game. Now you have what you need.
Let me know what you think of the book. I wrote it for you.
Here is an excellent interview done by Adam Lofbomm, the narrator of the audio version of the book, available on Amazon. He outlines the nine stages I write about.
Special note: For those who can't buy via Amazon or want a PDF you can go to this link for Grow Up.
A few of the popular Highlights from Grow Up posted on Amazon:
…if you can stay present with your emotions while standing in your truth, you are being a man.
The man who holds the space is willing to risk relationships for the truth, because he knows without truth there is no true relationship. He knows that speaking the unspeakable sets everyone free, including himself.
Maintaining the focus and openness when chaos is occurring is a strong masculine quality.
Hope, and focus, will give you passion and motivation to move through the tough times.
Masculine Emotional Intelligence is not about being macho versus being sensitive; it’s about being true to your unique emotional makeup—a makeup that is built on the general skills of emotional intelligence, yet is uniquely masculine.
As men, we weren’t given all the tools we needed to be real men. You weren’t given the tools to be the Remarkable Man you know is inside of you. But it isn’t a psychological defect on your part; real manhood wasn’t modeled for you. It wasn’t taught to you. Our dads were out working, so our moms and predominantly female teachers were “raising” us. They taught us important lessons, but they couldn’t teach us how to be real men.
One of the reviews and thank yous that was emailed to me:
As a woman who grew up with an Emotionally Unavailable father and went on to have many relationships with emotionally unavailable men, this book was an eye opening experience for me.
I wish I had read “Grow Up – A Man’s Guide” when I was younger or better yet, I wish that all the men I had dated had read Owens book. It is so insightful and has taught me that I have so many masculine qualities and I also think that I need to “fix” things instead of just allowing myself and others to be who they are.
I would recommend this book to any one that has a man in their life; whether it be a partner, son or father. I would also recommend this book to all therapists out there that are working with men, women and couples.
I know “Grow Up – A Man’s Guide” was written for men, but I am going to start working these principles myself.
Women in Transition Life Coaching
Certified Calling in “The One” Coach
Certified “Conscious Uncoupling” Coach”
Here's one of the Amazon reviews that explains what the book is about:
One of the best books I've ever read on my journey to becoming the man that I want to be — and I've purchased A LOT of books trying to figure out myself and my life. At a certain point, life deals you some cards that you're either ready to handle or not.
You know something clearly isn't working and something is definitely missing, but you don't know what. That's the point where you need to starting getting honest & start growing up (in my 40's). I was ready, but I didn't have the tools or the knowledge or the fathering that i needed to be the man that I'm supposed to be.
This book helped fill in the gaps; it gave me the knowledge that I never got growing up & that so many men aren't getting in their upbringing. We're just told to be a man — and no one ever defines what that actually means. So we make it up & we get it wrong & at that point, we've wasted much of our life working in the wrong directions on the wrong things for the wrong reasons, and while we are successful in life, we as men are unfulfilled & missing out on the amazing lives that we could have. This book spells it out.
It's different for every man — but at least now I've got some clear direction & some solid information to work with & to leverage in creating the life that i really want & that I truly enjoy and which is rewarding and fulfilling & full of the intimacy and authenticity and Truth that the first half of my life lacked.
I'm re-reading the book to catch the parts that I didn't get the first time around. I'm planning using all of this info to do a better job of raising my sons and to help them grow into the men that they're meant to be (hopefully I'll be able to give the edge that I never got).