What don’t you want others to know about you?

The men of Sandpoint Men’s Group are willing to answer that question. We will reveal part of what we have kept secret to a Danish graduate student, and then to the world.

After two years in NYC, Maja Bugge could not find an established men’s group to allow her to film what happens in a group. Last summer, Maja contacted me about introducing her to groups in New York. I gave her the leads I had. She made some good connections, but could not find the group she needed.

She asked if my group would be interested. I asked them. They unanimously agreed to be filmed. Maja’s request ignited our passion to share what we experience every week. The men of the group are willing to risk revealing parts of ourselves so others get to see the beauty of what occurs in a men’s group: men learning what they never had a chance to learn.

Here’s the pitch: Maja needs money for travel and production to produce, her documentary on Being a Man and our men’s group for her graduate thesis. Any donation would be greatly appreciated. You can go to this indiegogo to donate. Also, please share the link with your friends and network.

Thank you for your help.

Photo by i k o via Compfight

“Emotions” and “empathy” are words we don’t generally associate with men. But in my experience, I have found that men are just as emotional and empathetic as women. We just express it differently—different than women express, and different than the culture expects us to express.

Recently I moderated a panel on “The Culture of Empathy and Men” where we explored what empathy is for men. We looked at what is missing for men, and why it seems like we’re behind the empathy curve. But more important than just looking at what’s missing, we looked at ways to fill those gaps. We gave the viewer cues on how he could learn what was never taught to him.

Trauma and chronic stress will shut down a man’s desire to experience empathy. The panel spoke about how the PTSD response can be unlearned in the micro-communities of men’s groups, and in special trainings in corporations.

Going beyond the standard masculine approach to “fix it,” or to agree or disagree, we discussed how listening for understanding is a powerful setup for empathy. When we listen to understand, we create an empathetic dialogue that allows others to open up. The other person wants to share because he or she feels not only safe, but also feels your interest.

Not only are these men speaking to the power of empathy, now science is too.

Unlearning the frozen survival response, which shuts down empathy, changes our brain chemistry. In his book The Moral Molecule, neuroeconomist Paul Zak describes oxytocin’s role in trust, bonding and even virtuous behavior. In this interview Paul Zak speaks about how oxytocin increases as a man or woman relaxes with empathy.

How do you build empathy in a masculine way? What is it like for you to experience a man who is empathetic?

 Photo by Martin Sharman via Compfight

It’s hard to be a boy these days. A boy today goes to schools run mostly by women, who are under intense pressure to get test scores up. His recess is reduced or taken away because there is so much to learn. His need to move, express, and rough house—perfectly natural activities for a young [...]

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This is a guest post by Pelle Billing – he challenges us to look at male identity. The statistics are becoming increasingly well known. Men earn a lower percentage of college degrees than women. Male unemployment is reaching alarming heights. Fewer and fewer men get married (in the US and the UK alike); seemingly more interested in video games, beer and hanging [...]

My previous empathy post is the second most popular post behind the “Secrets about Women and Sex” post. One outcome of the empathy post was my recent interview with Edwin Rutsch via his site, Center for Building a Culture of Empathy. The interview with Edwin is a deeper look at the power of empathy for [...]

I remember, in my first psychotherapy grad course, when the professor talked about empathy’s champion, Carl Rogers and his person-centered therapy. He explained how connecting with the client built trust, thereby aiding therapy. I remembered thinking, “This is obvious. Why didn’t I think of it?” I later realized, one of the reasons I didn’t think [...]