It seems like most of us are either looking for a relationship or looking at improving one. We’re constantly getting and giving advice around relationships. With the popularity of reality shows fueling the hype about “the one,” it’s amazing any of us have relationships that work.
I’m not here to tell you that I found the secret but I will tell you that I have learned something from my many mistakes. During the past 40 years, I’ve felt like an athlete in constant training. Fortunately, if you think of developing a good relationship as a sport, I’m approaching a level of proficiency where I am not continually injuring myself. I actually am enjoying the sport more than ever. It’s now much easier and a hell of a lot more fun. It does help that I have an outrageous partner to play with. We’re not competing though; we’re on the same team, playing together.
A simple principle, but not always simple to learn was to be myself. Said another way, it took me a few years to unlearn all the behaviors and beliefs that were not me. Some of my best teachers were the women I dated. The teaching that got me on track was when many years ago a woman said to me, “I hear all the reasons you love me, but I don’t feel it.” She was right, I was arguing my case. It was a good argument, I’m sure I was winning – but I wasn’t winning her love.
Due to divine intervention or blind luck, I got it. I finally understood my approach to relationships was through my head. Then the work began; I started to unravel the emotional binds that kept me from being present. The avoidance of feeling fear was at the core of running to my head.
Receiving more pleasure
So how did I change? I just kept risking in spite of my fear. I started to learn that even if I failed, I lived. Gradually the pain, fear and failure decreased. My success rate increased, meaning the quality of my relationships improved. To my amazement, it was much easier and a hell of lot more fun. I just expected to be better at it. Appreciating the woman and receiving more pleasure was a huge bonus.
A colleague turned me on to Alison Armstrong several months ago. Alison started her business teaching women about men. Now she teaches both sexes about the other and how to create better relationships. Her teachings and style is easy to grasp. She takes what could be tough issues and makes them fun. I recently wrote a post on our men’s group blog about an excellent interview she did on how to get the relationship you want. Check out the post, Alison gives you the high points of her entire relationship workshop. Read the post as an introduction, and then listen to the recording.
Create your Whole Relationship. Let us know how successful you are at transforming your partner’s relationship.
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