We recently had two men from our group participate in The Race Across America (RAAM). Wayne Pignolet, executive and entrepreneur, rode bicycles with three other men from Oceanside, CA to Annapolis, MD. Believe it or not, they did it in six days, nine hours, 28 minutes! David Barth also a member of our men’s group was part of the crew who devoted themselves to taking care of Wayne and the other riders.

David’s 12 year old son Jackson is the inspiration for the team “Racing 24/7 for Autism.” Because of Sandpoint’s small town atmosphere, many know Jackson personally and his creative, encouraging family.

Team Laughing Dog’s goal is to raise one million dollars to support families who are dealing with autism in rural communities like Sandpoint.

Over the last six years, we have seen how one men’s group evolved into three and how all the changes more than fifty men have caused with each other has rippled through our entire community. Team Laughing Dog racing in RAAM was not directly because of the men’s group, but the group’s influence was felt by Wayne’s and David’s participation in this cause and in many other ways in our community.

Wayne was more than a rider; he was one of the two leaders who created the idea and then made sure the ride would happen; spearheading the raising of funds for autism. He took off more than six months from work to guarantee the team’s success. Now, he will take his formidable skills to a new endeavor. With the vision and commitment the man has, I am sure he will either partner with one of the employers lining up to hire him, or once again create something fresh and inspiring from his core belief that we are meant to be team players, collaborating for the good of all.

One of the advantages of a small community is that you get to see and feel directly how a few can impact many. I am not the only one moved to tears when I hear how a group of committed men and women inspired by one boy rode across America.

Thank You, Team Laughing Dog.

Related posts:

1. Men Ride for Autism

How easy is it for you to fail? It’s not easy for me. I have always worked hard not to, certainly not in public.

My Asperger’s Syndrome and dyslexia has taught me to make failure my friend. As a kid, I would try to look good – invariably I would screw up. For years it was devastating. Realizing that it wasn’t getting me any where I slowly began to accept failing. I began to see that failing was teaching me to be less concerned about failing and looking good.

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I saw myself focusing more on succeeding rather than avoiding failing. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel the pull of not wanting to make a fool of myself but that shift in focus to how to succeed as opposed to how not to fail, although subtle, was huge!

Like the example in this Lifehacker post on The More You Fail, The Higher You Can Set Your Goals I began going for getting the failure part over sooner. I started being the first to volunteer even when I knew others were better than me. It gave me the sense of accomplishment for being the first to step up along with the respect of others for risking it. Usually others were better, but no one else was first. I could relax and be more present; I wasn’t feeling the fear of anticipation. Each time I took a risk, fear of failure became weaker.

How to use failure to succeed

• Make a list of what you want.
• For each item, break it down into the steps it will take to achieve that goal.
• Choose the top three most fearful goals. (Even if these goals aren’t the most critical for your success, they may be the ones creating the blocks to achieving your success.)
• Find a way to fail at these goals… a way to risk not getting it, doing it right or just not looking good – that is not critical. Go out and do a few beta tests or warm ups.
• Get the failure block out of your system.
• Once you have failed few times, up the ante.
• Either your will be less paralyzed by the fear of failure or you will be succeeding. Either way, you are well on your way to achieving your goals.
• Remember, doing this is not about succeeding in the short term. It is about desensitizing yourself around your fear of failure.

Let’s say you want to start dating – but asking women out freezes you with fear. Create your list. What do you want? Do you want to date, do you want a relationship – set your goal. Let’s assume you want to date.

To date you need to get a date which means you need to ask a woman. To do that you need to know a woman to ask. Assuming you don’t have a woman to ask, you need to have a plan to meet women. Summer is coming so look at what activities you enjoy that are outside. Choose one.  Create a way to use that activity to meet and interact with women. Maybe you join a hiking club. Go out on the hikes with just the intent of speaking to women with no outcome other than speaking to them. Plan on being nervous and not being your best; just do it.

As you ‘fail’ keep speaking. Speak to them as if you are speaking to your sister’s friends. Keep practicing. You get the idea.

Dissolving failures

Recently in one of our men’s groups we evolved to discussing how our failures prevent us from future success. Past failures can anchor into your beliefs that you will fail in the future. You can erase those beliefs by succeeding or you can erase them by not giving them any power. I don’t mean using your mind to tell you that you aren’t afraid – that won’t work.

You change the hold failure has on you by desensitizing it – by taking failure’s power away. Going out with the intent of failing lets living takes failure’s power away.

I’m a guy. I know how hard it is for you to fail. I am just saying do it intentionally. Make it a game. You can make it a contest with your friends – who can fail the most in a week. I am willing to bet, the man who fails the most will be the man who succeeds first. He is not only taking more action, he is reducing his fear of failure, or his pride around looking good.

He is that salesman who might not be the best closer, but he knocked on more doors so he makes more sales. I have a client who claims his success in law school and beyond was not being the ‘smartest man in the room’; it was being the most persistent.

What can you fail at so you can succeed?

Related posts:

1. Know Fear to Succeed

“Lucky people are more relaxed and open, and therefore see what is there, rather than just what they are looking for.”

This post on Lifehacker writes about research which shows it’s not luck that makes lucky people lucky. It is being relaxed… being unreasonable and not just playing by the rules. In my world it is being a little dyslexic or ADHD.

Doing it right doesn’t always produce the best results. Think and act outside your box.

Well, are you relaxed and lucky?

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My list was just a mental one until I read an email from Daniel Pink about his “don’t do list” (he credits Tom Peter for his inspiration).

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A No List

From my training in Ericksonian Hypnosis, I learned that our unconscious mind doesn’t hear negative commands–it doesn’t hear “don’t”. If you tell someone not to think of a pink elephant, he has to think of it to not think of it. Your unconscious hears the “don’t do” as “do [that]­”. So I changed the name of my list to a No List.

Another reason I like the “no” title is that no is a word we don’t use enough. If you’re like me, you can be a little too nice with hedging your no’s. Rather than just say no, you give reasons, excuses, half truths, justifications, etc. Give up that need to explain. Just say no. Even to yourself. What to put on your No List

Where do you lose energy? What things do you do, or think about doing, that take more energy than they give you? I’m not talking short-term; things like getting a degree, or writing a book, that involve long nights that aren’t energy producing, may give back much more energy in the future. I mean those meetings that don’t produce results, or watching another late night TV show that just makes you tired in the morning. Get honest about what saps your energy, and put it on your No List. If you aren’t sure, ask others for suggestions for you. Those unnecessary obligations, time-wasting distractions, useless habits–all those things that when you do, you wish you weren’t doing, or that aren’t furthering what you want in your life. Put it all on your No List.

Get support

It might be more challenging to not do things than to do them. We all like distractions. That’s fine, just admit to it. We need down time. We need time to day dream, rest and rejuvenate. Get honest about your needs and put them on your Do List. Then determine which are just energy-sucking distractions, and put them on your No List.

Once you have a list, post it someplace. Then give it to someone who will hold you accountable to not do. When he or she sees you doing something on it, or even thinking about doing something on it, they are on you.

As Daniel Pink says, your No List will allow you more time to do “what’s satisfying and important, and a little less time doing what’s irritating and meaningless.” “What you decide not to do is probably more important that what you decide to do,” Tom Peters claims.

Let us know about your feelings and results around your NO List.

Related posts:

1. Follow the Energy

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How often do you ask for help? I am not just talking about asking for directions. I am speaking about asking for help with something that has meaning to you. When is the last time you asked a man or a woman to go out of their way to help you?

I am learning to ask and to receive help. It became apparent if the book I am writing was to be a success, I needed help. I began to see that producing a book is like raising a child – it is a community affair. Particularly with the publishing industry going the way of the music and film industry because a publisher wants you to have an audience before they give you a book contract. I realized that meant I needed to get others to help network my ideas and then the book.

Going from giving to asking

That meant I needed to ask for help! I quickly realized that giving help was much easier than asking. I put myself in a position where I had no alternative, I had to ask. I hired the experts to help, but I still needed to create a community.

I might ask for directions, but asking for someone to put energy into helping me often without knowing me was a push. My mind went to, what will they get out it? Who would want to help a stranger write and promote a book? Then in the silence came an answer – men and women like you who like contributing. I felt tears well up in my eyes. I felt the emotion I feel when I see someone perform an act of greatness. Wow, maybe I would be giving others an opportunity to make a difference through helping me.

Creating a community of support, going from asking to receiving

I began to feel I could have a whole community behind me, championing my blog and book. I have often said I want to stop fighting against things and start fighting for something of value. I saw that I had my ‘warrior of the light’ cause. Quickly, I felt the responsibility to complete my task to the best of my ability. Others are counting on me. Others have invested in me and my project. Then I was up against an old principle of mine – don’t fuck up.

I had to get honest. I could take myself out by not receiving what I was asking for. I know what you are thinking. How hard can it be to receive what you asked for? If you are like me in any way, it can be the most difficult part.

Going beyond the male paradigm of not asking and not receiving

I know for many men we would rather give than receive. In 35 years of private practice I continually see men put off what they need for what their family wants. In one of my projects in Scottsdale, AZ, I had a business partner that moved to Scottsdale after selling several of his dental clinics in the N.Y.C. area. Paul spoke about how men would have critical dental conditions and not come in for treatment, while making sure all his kids had braces.

A recent study done in Canada showed that men access healthcare less than women. As men, we tend not ask for help even when we really need it. We make excuses that others need it more, I can do it by myself, or I am not worth it. Because of my experience with holistic health I learned to get help with my health. In my arrogance I felt I was not like other men – well I am. I am learning I can find other people to help while asking and receiving help for myself.

The challenge

In keeping with another principle of mine, not asking a man to do something that I haven’t or would do, I commit to making one request for help per day for a month. So, here is my request for help today – would you share this blog with a friend?

Now that I asked, I feel stronger.  I challenge you to match my commitment. You can start small. It might be asking for help lifting something. Keep it up… do it for a month – one request per day. I will do it and report back to you. You can do it and report back also. Let’s break that male pattern of not asking and not receiving. Are you in?

Oh, no cheating. You can’t ask for help 30 times on the last day of the month.

Give us you commitments and your results in the comments below. Go for it!

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I escaped city life to live the small town life… I escaped to Sandpoint, ID thirteen years ago this weekend. When I visited here in May that year I was not just blown away with the beauty of Sandpoint and its friendly people – I couldn’t believe it wasn’t discovered.

I have traveled to all the hip towns. I lived in Boulder, CO for four years so I knew Sandpoint had it. A few years ago, right at the height of the boom, Sandpoint made all the top ten lists, often as number one.  Well, we are back. Sunset Magazine just made us number one in its list of the West’s best ski towns. Oh, I didn’t mention Sandpoint has a rocking ski hill.

I hesitate spreading the word, yet I am proud of what nature created and we are generating here in Sandpoint. At town of 8,000 and a county of 41,000 people created a community that retains the small town feel and the evolving hipness of a town like Boulder.

Other than those two years of the boom, people come here because they are looking for something different, something that is undiscovered, a little out of the way, a place that values its environs and its people. Once the right person arrives, he or she never leaves.

Five years ago I built a straw bale house 10 minutes from town on 14 acres abutting a creek. I face out looking at the last few mountains in the Selkirk range. There are no houses behind me  all the way up to the Canadian border, 50 miles away. Moose, deer, bear and eagles visit me. Just this spring there was a bear cub hanging out in front of my deck.

Tonight we are a winter wonder land. We have two feet of snow. The spruce and fir are wrapped with snow. The buffering of all sounds from the snow makes it completely quiet.

I share this not just because of my pride for Sandpoint and what we are creating. I share it also as a reminder to myself and an encouragement to others that you can create your dream. I had a successful holistic medical clinic in Scottsdale, AZ – but I was not happy. I finally took the leap of faith and left a sure thing for an unsure thing. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard at first. I moved here via northern California and a failed relationship to no work and dwindling savings.

I started over. This time in a place that nourished me. I fell back in love with my craft – Rolfing. I dove deep into my shamanic apprenticeship. I spent times in the woods, on the lake and on the ski hill – it all renewed me. Six years ago I decided to give something back to the community. I started the Sandpoint Men’s Group. Out of that I created this blog and my book.

Don’t tell anyone, but Sandpoint is the place to live if you want to be in nature, enjoy a full array of adventure sports and hang with good people.

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